Preparing to Prepare
by Fati Sasspants
Summary: "Nothing lasts forever. Appreciate what you have when you have it, because tomorrow, it might be gone." An aged Raph's thoughts.


Nothing lasts forever. Appreciate what you have when you have it, because tomorrow, it might be gone. It's a lesson we learned at an early age. There was nothing else to want besides food in our stomachs and a warm place to sleep, so we didn't. We never wanted or hoped or expected anything other than what we got, and we were thankful for every little bit. In a lot of ways, we weren't that different from some of the human families topside, in that we had just as little as they did, maybe even less.

Everyone always told me I was a pessimist. We were all sort of pessimistic in our own way, but I guess I was the worst. As far as I was concerned, the world was out to get me, and it was my job to stay alert, on my toes, ready to get it first. I know it isn't true, now, but at the time, I used to think I was the only one that hadn't forgotten where we'd started out; where we came from. Everyone seemed fine to drop the old way of life once the new came along. Either way, I held onto that way of thinking, even as we got older and a whole new world was at our finger tips. Suddenly, food wasn't a problem, and sleeping in filth was a thing of the past. There was a world between the sewers and the rooftops, a place where things could be salvaged, fantastic things; microwaves, toasters, television sets, computer parts, furniture. Albeit old, it was something, and we brought home what we could, when we could. We made lists and organized and stockpiled and made sure we always had enough. And suddenly life was a little bit easier and a little more enjoyable, even when we had to start over, because there was always more.

We were never bored, with video games and music and games to play, and no one ever went without. The only big problem we had was old medical supplies: moldy, gnawed gauze, age-old peroxide and tacky band aids. Still, as long as no one got seriously injured, we pretty much had it made. Piles and piles of junk, sky high. Donny was tickled pink. The guy liked to tinker. Still does. And Mikey, he had a field day. I think maybe Leo got it; he never seemed to really pay much mind to the material stuff. We've always been more alike than we like to admit.

Then, later, April and Casey came. Two humans that could actually be trusted? That didn't want us dead, mounted and stuffed, or autopsied at some secret government location? It was like rediscovering that new world, all over again. Pizza, Chinese food, VHS tapes, blankets, pillows, toothbrushes and toiletries. We had most everything we could ever want. Even friends. Us! Friends!

I never was a guy to show my true feelings, and I'm still not, but I cared for April and Casey very, very much. They were like family to us. Which was why I ignored the nagging thought in the back of my mind for so long, pushed it away and buried it as far as it would go. Someday, Casey might leave. April, too. Maybe they would leave together. Maybe they wouldn't, but I couldn't take that chance, and prepared myself for a day that wouldn't come for years.

When it did come, I wasn't surprised. After all, I was the smart one. I'd prepared, unlike the rest of them, who moped around like they never had any clue at all. Of course they'd leave, one day. It was stupid of us to think they'd always be there. Selfish, too. People get married, families get started, people work themselves to death to provide for their families, and then, well. Then they die. Maybe it doesn't happen for a long time; maybe they live to be a hundred. But they always die.

Master Splinter will die, and one day, even I'm going to die. We'll all die. Everyone; me, my brothers, my father, Karai. Everyone.

These days, we're all still together, underground, going topside only when we need to. Mikey thinks it's just a matter of time before a new April and Casey show up; the next chapter in our lives, he says. I think Leo's pretty offended over that, but Mikey's been poisoning his mind with every comic, movie and video game he can get his hands on, so it's only natural the guy says things without thinking. Or maybe, in his mind, it isn't something that should be offensive. I don't know. Don tries not to have an opinion-that's a laugh. He's basically Leo with a sense of humor and a purple mask.

When I look back on it, I got to say, we had good lives. We were fortunate in more ways than one. Saw things no one else has seen, been places no one ever will. We were close. You don't see that these days. But there's a part of me that can't help but think I wasted a good chunk of my life worrying and preparing and being angry at what I didn't know and couldn't prepare for. Right now I'm enjoying what time we have left, which could be years for all I know, but I can't get rid of this inner voice, the one that's kept me up at night since I was old enough to know what death was. It might be selfish, but sometimes, I hope I'm the first to go, because I don't think I can manage alone, with nothing but my own death to prepare for. But then I remember that nothing lasts forever; I ready myself for what may lie ahead, and prepare to prepare.

* * *

_**Did this come out as angsty was I think it did? I didn't intend it to, honestly! It was supposed to have a sort of positive tone to it, but hey, I think this is my first fic where there's absolutely no dialog. So that's something, right? I was pulling a little from every 'verse I know of in this, so hopefully it isn't too OOC. Also, is it lay or lie? :S I wasn't sure. Aaanyway, critique, comments, and flames all welcome.  
**_


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